In Lieu of Exam 3 - Russell and Suicide

Bertrand Russell credited the desire to understand more mathematics in staving off the suicidal inclinations of his youth. In the time since he has found joy in living again, due partly to his having “discovered what were the things that I most desired and having gradually acquired many of these things,” and partly to his having, "successfully dismissed certain objects of desire - such as the acquisition of indubitable knowledge about something or other - as essentially unattainable.” I also believe the pursuit of certain philosophical questions to be inherently depressing, and I have personally felt their suicidal effects. However it was not through the abandoning of any philosophical thought that I was able to fall in love with life again, and, now that I have, I still find no reason to dismiss suicide. 

I do indeed love life. Albeit boring at time, it is overall exceedingly enjoyable. However several years of my life were plagued by a philosophically induced discontentment for existence. Like Russell, it was a hatred of life that fueled my suicidal notions in those days. I could not find the sense in living to die, especially with the excess amount of socially created obligations. Also like Russell, it was the narrowing and prioritizing of desires that gave life new meaning to me. This however did not appease my philosophical affliction and I still could not disprove the logic in suicide. It was only through continuing my "acquisition of indubitable knowledge,” that I was able to understand how to be happily suicidal. 

Suicide hasn’t changed much for me over the years. It is now propelled more by the joy of a completed life and an intrigue of death, than a hatred of life. However a general lethargy for my life still remains. I have not seen the value of my own life increase during that time, however the same cannot be said about the value of my time and of life itself. I can now see that the existence of life on Earth is the only thing that matters, and that it is the duty of humans to protect its continuation. However all life is in jeopardy because of the actions of humans, and I cannot see myself off until I know that life will continue. In this I found not a reason to live, but a reason to not commit suicide…yet. It is my full intention to crown a satisfying life with the death of my choosing. Not now, or soon, but decades from now. Suicide is the only way I wish to die. My birth was beyond my control, but I can own my death. The innate impulsion of Russell, and many humans, to deem suicide as contemptible is completely misguided. Just as some men are so philosophical that they can see humor in their toothache, others can see joy and honor in suicide.